Practice Dying – Plato’s final instructions to his disciples just before his own death
Here are a few not so shocking statements followed by a very shocking statement.
Not shocking: I love Toastmasters.
I love it for so many reasons, but one of the main ones is because of the new friends I’ve made.
One of those friends is Sal.
Salvador Valdovinos is an exceptionally young and vigorous man of 87 that takes pride in telling people how many Nazis he killed in World War II. But more than proving his valor and putting his life on the line for his country, he achieved something greater. A gift that very few of us ever get, especially at such a young age.
He achieved peace with dying.
And death was lurking around every corner he turned in Europe in the mid-1940s.
Except for the way that Sal tells his story, nothing is out of the ordinary so far. But it’s the way he achieved peace with dying that shocked me when I heard it.
You see, Sal practices dying. On a regular basis.
OK, that was the shocking statement. Sorry I didn’t warn you it was coming.
Some days, he gets into his bed at home, closes his eyes, visualizes that he’s experiencing the entire process and timeline of his last moments, and embraces death the way most people embrace life.
He’s has a book being published in a few months about death and dying which you can bet I’ll be reading. His recent speech at Toastmasters about the topic was truly riveting and something I wish we could have gotten on film.
This is what I learned about simplifying my thoughts and life from a man who practices death regularly.
More of the Story
Face and accept dying to lead a better and richer life. – Sal’s Toastmasters speech
I don’t remember all the details of Sal’s speech, but I do remember his words about his stern father. Sal’s father was never one to show gentle emotions and lived a rigid life. That is, until it came time for Sal to be shipped off to Europe to serve in the infantry.
Faced with the very real prospect of never seeing Sal again, his father became soft and tender. Never having seen this side of his father and enjoying the warmth suddenly radiating from him, Sal started to understand the positive benefits of dealing with death.
And by the time he set foot on that ship across the ocean to fight the Nazis, Sal had embraced the prospect of death. However, it wasn’t until later in life that he started to practice dying.
As a clinical psychologist for decades, Sal has a way of analyzing and communicating what’s inside the depth of the human mind unlike anyone else I’ve met.
I had never considered the relationship between being a strong leader and death until I heard this:
Leadership is found in embracing dying because you can focus your energy on everything else. – Sal’s Toastmasters speech
I had also never considered simplifying my thoughts by practicing death until he said this:
Practice how and where you want to die every now and then. The more often you do this, the more comfortable you get with death. – Sal’s Toastmasters speech
I’ve been striving for years to find simplicity and organization in some of the strangest places possible. But I never thought I’d stumble across it in the speech of an 87-year-old man at Toastmasters.
Seeing the summary of Sal’s approach to the practice of dying doesn’t do it justice. But it involves a multi-step visualization and sequence of events as he’s lying in bed. I know I failed to capture everything properly (as this comes from a memory of a conversation I had with him about it), but this is the high level version.
- He loses interest in eating solid foods
- He loses his capacity to fully interact with people
- His family travels to be with him as he approaches death
- He has actual conversations with each family member as he prepares to exit the physical world
- As he drifts out of consciousness, he’s fully ready to die and becomes very happy
Can I just say…whoa?!
In addition to this, I’d like to offer up the way I practiced dying after hearing Sal’s speech. And as a bonus, I’ll provide examples of how certain cultures practice dying too.
My Uneducated Practice of Dying
Here are the crude steps to my practice of dying. I hope to refine them as I learn more about how other people do it and the reasons why.
- I laid down on my bed but didn’t get under the blankets. I didn’t want there to be a barrier between me and the people who would be huddled around me in my last moments.
- With my last words, I expressed why I was grateful for each person who loved me enough to be by my side
- I let my arms loosely fall with my palms facing up, much like shavasana (corpse pose) in Yoga
- My feet flopped open, I unclenched my jaw, and my mouth hung open
- I closed my eyes and put in ear plugs. This was to simulate a lack of awareness of the physical world and to intensify my responsiveness to the mental world.
- I got lost in thoughts about the future and how the people I love might experience it. I couldn’t justify reflecting on myself or my past because all those things would be irrelevant soon. It was more peaceful and gratifying to think about everyone else.
- I breathed at a natural pace instead of trying to force harmony through an intentional pattern
- And then I saw myself gradually losing consciousness until I was no longer part of this world
It’s was an amazing experience the first time I fully committed to practicing dying. I’d highly recommend it and I plan to make it a periodic event.
Examples of Traditional Practices of Dying
Sal’s going to share a ton of research on how other cultures and religions practice dying. But in my limited research, I’ll offer up just two.
- Tibetan Buddhists: According to Ven. Tenzin Palmo, death is a stage of transition. It is, “merely an exchange of a rugged and old body of this life with a new and young body of the next, like changing of your clothes when they are old and worn out. Buddhists see death as a process and not as an end.” The website goes on to say that the dying will “summon their children and explain how they would like them to help them die. They also advise them how to share their legacy and property in a proportionate way. While preparing to leave the body, they ask to invite a monk or a teacher to help them at the prime moment of dying. As per the wishes of their parent, the children will invite the monks to do the rituals for a peaceful dying. These are the eight prayers and chanting of the Medicine Buddha.”
- Hindus: Some Hindus practice Samadhi, the highest level of concentrated meditation. The goal is “the complete absorption of the individual consciousness in the self at the time of death.” The Wikipedia article about the topic is fascinating.
Last Words
When Plato was asked to sum up his life’s work and philosophy, he said simply, “Practice Dying”. His message was to not wait to be transformed until death was knocking on your door.
Osho was once asked to sum up Zen and replied, “Let go”.
In both of these simple two word responses, we can get great insight into how to live an intentional life by embracing our eventual deaths.
I hope you’ll consider practicing dying as well now that you’ve read this.
What do you think about this story and the lessons about simplifying? Would you like me to review Sal’s book after I read it or have him on the Smart and Simple Matters show to talk about it? Leave a comment and let me know.
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Photo credit: Lake Crimson and Nick Boalch
Very interesting. I’ve heard and read of Buddhist practicing dying, and gave it some thought several times. Never seemed to get much out of it. I’m sure overcoming the fear of death would be very empowering.
Thanks for the ideas.
Dan Garner
Hi Dan,
Welcome to the Value of Simple community and thanks for leaving a comment on this! When you say you gave practicing dying some thought several times, do you mean you actually visualized dying and tried it? I couldn’t tell from your comment whether you have direct experience with it. But if you’ve done it a number of times and didn’t get much out of it, can you share why that is with us? I’d love to get that perspective from someone.
Yes, I actually tried visualizing dying. Couldn’t really do it. Probably did not work with it long enough. I am definitely interested in playing with it again.
Dan Garner
Wow! Never a dull moment over here at VoS!
Having just gone through a number of deaths in my family, I have to take comfort in your article. I definitely wish that my grandfather could have practiced dying before he passed away in February. He was always a very cautions man, and I know the prospect of dying scared him immensely. I think even greater than death, he feared suffering. I do believe he suffered for the last week or two of life, but he was really at peace, and not scared any more.
Take on the flip side, my cousin’s grandfather (no relation to me but close anyway). He pretty much followed Sal’s steps. He was 93 and decided it was time to go. He told everyone about his plans, stopped eating and passed away within a week. It was a very powerful act, with no suffering. Everyone got a chance to say goodbye. Some people in the family were really not okay with it, but I completely supported his decision. It was clear that he had really thought this out prior to doing it- so perhaps he had been practicing dying all his life?
I think wow is going to be our word of the day. You get a “wow” for sharing those two stories with us Ethan. Thank you for that.
I’m sure a number of people have organically incorporated practicing dying into their lives without realizing it or without fully understanding the concept. Perhaps your cousin’s grandfather was one of them. I’m just trying to use Sal’s example to show us youngsters that it’s never too early to start practicing.
Wow.. just, wow.
I’ve never heard of “practicing dying”. And yes, it would be cool if you did an interview with Sal.
As shocking as the idea seems when you first read it… It also makes so much sense. Because if you simply recite a cliche like “live everyday like your last” – does that really put you in that place mentally that today is your last day? Not really. The idea of really practicing your last day sounds like it would make a bigger impact that would REALLY puts things in perspective.
Hi Denise,
After I first practiced dying, I thought to myself, “Um. That was kind of cool. But I still don’t get it”. It’s after the third, fourth, and fifth times that it really soaks in and starts to become internalized. I’ve found it’s important to view it as a ritual which would probably heighten its power for a lot of people. I think combining this practice with a “live everyday like your last” mantra could be a great combination. Don’t sell short the power of a mantra when used as a helpful ritual.
I have a feeling other people are going to want me to interview Sal so we’ll see what they say about it. He’s as dynamic of a personality and speaker as I make him sound.
I second the ‘wow’s to this article!
I have never heard about this practice before, but in a way it makes a lot of sense – after all, dying is the biggest event we experience in our lives. It makes sense to think about it, and to be prepared.
However, we all have different thoughts about what death means – some of us, seeing it as a gateway to something better; others seeing it as a total full stop (I’m in the latter category). How we practice death could surely be influenced then by our beliefs about death.
For me personally, practicing death would not only prepare me somewhat for the event, but also encourage me to make better use of the time I have in life, because of my belief that we don’t have another life to look forward to – so I need to make the most of this one, doing as much good as I can, and wringing out as much pleasure as can be found in everyday living.
Thought provoking article, Joel, thank you.
Hi Angie,
I’m totally on the same page when you say “How we practice death could surely be influenced then by our beliefs about death”. Like you, I see death as a full stop. And as a result, I’m going to approach it differently than someone who believes in reincarnation or heaven.
Did you get enough “how to” information out of this to craft your own practice? I’m always excited to hear how people have engaged with the content I create and then hear about their experiences. I’d love to hear about yours if you start up a practice.
Joel, yes I did get enough information from the article to understand how to practice.
I haven’t done it yet, but I am planning on ‘dying’ tomorrow.
I think it will be a very thought-provoking experience. I’m sure we have all, at some time or other, imagined what others will say about us on our deathbed, or at our funeral – and by taking the time to experience this deeply while still in the midst of living may give us ideas of what we want to achieve in our lifetime, in order to hear the outpouring of love and respect that we would like to have earned when we really die.
I audited a course in college called Death, Dying, and Beyond, which explored a lot of the ideas you touch on here — what happens when we die, how to make peace with our own mortality, what other cultures and religions teach about it. One of our projects was a group presentation, and my group chose to simulate a crisis: our classmates and we were on a school bus and there was an accident. We talked everyone through the process of realizing they weren’t going to make it and dealing with what had always been inevitable but now was imminent. Putting that together and presenting it to the class — and even writing about it now (getting teary over here just remembering) — was an incredibly powerful, humbling, and enlightening process. I’d never been comfortable even thinking about dying before. But there is something incredibly freeing in turning your unwavering gaze on what we’ll have to face eventually. Fear of the unknown can be the worst kind, so by letting ourselves actually, mindfully, intentionally explore something like the process of dying, we take away some of its scariness. And, as you say, doing so also changes your focus, shifts it back to the things (and people) that really matter.
Not quite along the same lines, but also potentially very powerful, I think: Sarah over at Everyday an Adventure did a Q&A with Mars Dorian in which he said: “I picture death as a personal companion that sits right next to me and keeps telling me to take more risks, so that I won’t regret ANYTHING when it’s time to leave the living.” I think that’s an amazing way to remind yourself you only get one stab at this life. I’ve meant to put this into practice more for myself. It could make an interesting practice to do alongside Sal’s approach. Thank you for the reminder.
This isn’t something I’d ever have expected to see on a blog like yours, but you’ve made it totally belong. I hope you’ll remind us when Sal’s book is out, and I’d love to hear him talk about it on SASM!
Inspiring words Erin. Thank you for sharing them. I will have a follow up about Sal and Sal’s book in one way or another. Having him on the SASM show is probably the best way and the method I’d really like to do. I’m feeling encouraged that an interview with him is a great way to go.
Provocative. My dementia-ridden Grandfather just broke a hip, and he’s in the hospital. They are having to keep him sedated because he keeps pulling his lines out. My mom sent me a picture and asked “What do you think?” I’m not sure what response she was going for, but all I could think was pity. That’s one of the worst ways to die.
I liked the Osho quote. It seemed to me that you and Sal had idealized the way you wanted to die; in bed, at home, surrounded by loved ones. I agree that would be ideal. But do you contemplate death in a car wreck? The types of death you never see coming; far better I think to contemplate that, so that every parting you leave your loved ones at peace.
Hey Shanna,
I don’t contemplate spontaneous and unpredictable ways to die. The odds are much greater that I’ll get to die in a “preferred” way and be able to realize the practice of dying in the way I visualize it. In general, I don’t spend time thinking about negative things that are unlikely to happen. It’s just too much energy for too little benefit to me. But by becoming comfortable with dying in general, this prepares me for death in whatever form it ultimately comes.
So it sounds like we have different approaches to what kind of death we should be imagining when practicing dying. I consider that a minor difference for the purpose of this ritual.
Great post, Joel. I am TOTALLY in favor of our culture becoming more comfortable and peaceful with death. It not only will comfort us as we lay dying, but makes life so much richer, too. I think if people really drilled down through their every day anxieties they would find that at the bottom lay the fear of death.
While I haven’t practiced dying consciously, I have had some dreams where I was dying and they are always very peaceful.
Hey Bobbi. You hit on something important. Thinking about dying (or dreaming in your case) can be something that’s peaceful. Or dare I say, you can be happy reflecting on death. This is important not just for our own lives, but also for how we think about the deaths of the people around us that we care about. Like you, I’m in favor with just about everything that makes us more comfortable with dying.
This is powerful stuff, Joel,
And not at all what I was expecting when I dropped in. Had assumed you’d written something about “live like you were dying.” Your article presents a fantastic twist on that thought.
As a writer, I loved your Quote, your intro sentence, the way you wove in the Sal’s Story, and even the way you’ve structured this post.
Like anyone else, I think about dying and what it might entail. As many do, I often pretend I’m immortal in my conduct.
This idea, to make peace with the actual event of death and its surrounding circumstances really gives me pause. Will I try it?
Probably, because it’s intriguing!
Thanks for some serious Wow! stuff, Joel!
Hi Jim,
I seem to have surprised a number of folks with this one. I get philosophical and deep here often, but I guess not in this kind of “Whoa dude. Heavy!” way. As someone who still doesn’t self-identify as a writer, it’s cool to hear a writer like yourself enjoy the way I structured this and let the story unfold.
Like my back and forth with Angie earlier today, I’d love it if you shared your practice of dying with everyone here or just in an email to me. I’d hate to see a rare “wow!” post from me go to waste.
My parents are approaching Sal’s age and whilst they don’t practice dying they talk openly about it. At that age, they know, death is no longer a long way off into the future.
Talking openly and frankly about it is encouraging. Do you ever engage them in conversations about death or are they the ones who always bring it up?
Such an interesting topic. I am very interested in Buddhism and for the most part adopt it as my philosophy. I’m still new to it, and so I haven’t yet had the opportunity to explore a significant portion of views and beliefs (beyond the basics)… so I hadn’t really heard much about practicing dying. But it’s very intriguing, for sure. I’d be interested in hearing more of Sal’s story!
Hi Kim,
More of Sal and Sal’s story will be coming up. Just today, the feedback I’ve gotten on him and about him has been really cool. I asked him ahead of publishing this whether he was comfortable having a continued presence around Value of Simple and he was all about it.
I’m looking forward to reading more about your Buddhism exploration on The Uncopied Life. It’s a truly fascinating discipline/religion.
As usual, I’m curious to see how this pans out for you… It’s hard for me to make the jump from “I’m going to lay in bed and visualize myself dying” to being able to actually “let go” or practice detachment in any meaningful way, but that’s not to say it’s not a very useful practice. I think I need to have a higher belief level or understanding though before I feel any desire to try it (or before I would probably get anything out of trying it.)
Are you planning to do this regularly?
I’m planning on doing this once a month. I think it will take a different amount of time for each practice as the conversations I’ll be having with friends and family will take longer or shorter depending on what I have to say to them (in my head).
interesting concept… I have to say I am with Sarah on this one, the jump to actually visualizing my way through dying is a big leap for me.
I definitely encourage and participate the practice of writing your own eulogy.
I definitely believe that you need to live each day like it is your last day.
I practice the shavasana pose almost daily.
I walk hard on letting go… and detaching, working on that more as I go through A course in Miracles.
these one needs more thought and a deeper understanding.
A course in Miracles? Well if that’s not attention getting, I don’t know what is. What’s the premise of it and why did you sign up for it?
I love this topic because it is something that my husband and I were just talking about. We have an old dog and a recent accident made us face his mortality and think about when he will go. My husband asked me if I knew of anything that could help him be more comfortable with death. A practice like Sal’s would definitely radiate out to all the other situations we encounter about death.
thanks for the though provoking words!
Hi Jill,
Sorry about what’s to come for your dog. You’ll find your own way to make peace with this life transition and hopefully prepare yourself better for the next one. Whether that’s through practicing dying or something else, trying new approaches to inevitable situations really works for a lot of people.
Joel – you continue to blow my mind. I have to say I’ve gotten a little jaded reading blogs, and I don’t often come across something that I’ve NEVER heard of – at least in some form or another.
Well, you’ve gotten the award with this. I have not yet heard of literally practicing your dying. Although I’ve come close to sensing that return to the great oneness in meditation, this is a new challenge to actually enact what it would feel like to really let go of this body.
Years ago I would have been terrified to try such a thing. Now I just might give it a try!
You’re not alone Sarah. I’m a highly informed fella when it comes to current events, concepts, and “things people talk about on blogs”. And when I heard Sal talk about practicing dying, I thought, “How have I never heard about this before?!”
So Sal won an award with me and now I’ve won an award with you. I wonder who you’ll win an award with and for what soon because you talk about some pretty uncommon stuff on Holistic Hot Sauce too.
That’s a great practice – must take a lot of courage.
But my preference is for striving towards immortality!
On the one hand, the rate of technological growth per capita has been diminishing – all of the low hanging fruit are gone. What’s left is the complicated stuff, e.g. nanotechnology (The Great Stagnation is an OK book on the subject).
On the other hand, the rate of technological growth has been accelerating (increased investment + exponential growth in computing power + more countries are producing science now), and economic growth has been accelerating even faster. I can’t remember the exact numbers… but it goes something like this: in the cavemen era, it took tens of thousands of years for the world GDP to double. In the agrarian era, it took a few thousand years for world GDP to double, in the industrial era 100 to 200 years for world GDP to double, and in the modern era 15 to 20 years.
For every transition, the doubling time shrunk by a factor of 10 to 25. If there exists some era past our current one, and if we will reach it within our lifetime, I believe immortality is possible. It would imply world GDP would double basically every year. Of course I have no idea if this era exists, or how soon we will reach it if it does. But as an atheist, it is my hope.
Hey Amit. You know I’m an atheist too, but I wouldn’t put your atheist hopes in GDP or productivity figures to deliver the Singularity to us in our lifetimes. It might be better to spend just a little time getting ready for your almost inevitable death. But hey, it’s your call of course.
I will definitely practice dying. I am already making plans similar to Ethan’s grandfather. I hope to look forward to shedding these old clothes and transition on. I’m with Sarah..something new shared here. Thanks so much.
This is a freaking amazing post. I’m sitting at work and I think for a few minutes I fazed out thinking what it would be like to die.
I stopped being so scared of death when I saw my mother die and then a few months later I had a melanoma in-situ removed (I caught it so early that one doctor brushed me aside the first time I showed it to him). After these two incidents I had a sort of “screw-it, we all will die” attitude.
But then I had my baby and the fear of death is gripping me more than ever. Not for me but for my child. It is just the thought that she still needs me so much and I will be gone. I can’t make peace with that, and perhaps practicing dying will help me let go because such fear is not helping anyway.
Hi Houda,
I’m used to telling others about their freakin’ amazing stuff so it’s cool to have someone say that about what I create. Thank you for that!
I don’t have any practical or emotional reasons to adopt the practice of dying like you might. My mother is still alive, I’ve never had a brush with cancer, and I’ve never feared for the life of my son. That’s not to say I’m trouble-free…far from it. I’d love to hear a follow up on your comment after you practice dying. If there’s something I can do to inspire you to change your fear of dying and its impact on everyone else except you, I’d like to be a part of it.
Joel, ever since my dad passed away after a brief, but arduous, two month bout with cancer, I have immersed myself in the study of grief and death. One of the most fascinating books I’ve read on it comes from Dr. Elisabeth and is called On Life After Death. It’s a collection of a few of her talks that she’s given on death and dying.
While I feel like I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people I love passing on to the next life the past few years (as I do believe in heaven and an afterlife), I have never considered practicing dying myself. This is the first post that I’ve read from you and I have to say, it’s fascinating!
Thank you for this unique perspective and for introducing Sal to us. For someone who’s no longer afraid of death, there is still something a little scary, yet comforting, about this ritual you suggest. I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating what it is to die and what it means to die and a dying ritual could be a really useful addition to illuminate my learning and ultimately, enrich my living.
Hi Sara,
I appreciate you sharing your story about dealing with death in your family here. You could probably teach me a thing or three about the subject as I’ve been lucky enough to have a stable (and living) family for a while now. Death will come knocking soon – not for me, but for someone I love – and I’m trying to prepare for it. Do you have a particular piece of insight on the topic of death and dying that would be helpful for people reading these comments? Perhaps one based on your faith (since I can’t advise people on the spiritual side of death)?
By the way, I’m planning to have Sal on an episode of my podcast soon because he’s an endlessly fascinating man. If you’re intrigued by my second-hand account of him here, just wait until you get it first-hand by listening to his own words.
I appreciate your thoughtful response, Joel.
The most pressing spiritual learning for me since my dad’s and subsequent family members’ passing is almost too big to take in. Here’s why: Because of what I’ve learned, I believe in everything. I believe in spirits and God and Buddha and mediums. I believe that energy never dies and that God/spirit (really whatever you want to call it) resides in each of us. I believe that heaven is right here today and we will experience it differently when we die.
And I’m just a normal girl who was raised Catholic and is now semi-retired from religion. Spirituality lives in your soul and starts with self-love. Might sound hokey, but from all of my reading, it seems to be the most true statement.
Hope this adds to the discussion. I’m up for more if you ever want to chat.