SASM 016 – Relationship Mindsets to Cultivate Lifetime Friends and Allies

Smart and Simple Matters

It’s time to get unleashed in this episode of Smart and Simple Matters (SASM).

The topic is relationships and this one is both deep and wide. Maybe you can tell the difference in tone, clarity, and impact between this episode and other solo episodes I’ve done?

SASM 005 about curating and SASM 009 about investing were written up and read line-for-line. But I’m taking a new approach to my solo shows and just rolling with an outline. I’d love to know if you dig the new approach and what kind of impact it had on you (positive or negative)!

At one point, I was afraid this episode was going to turn into an R.E.M. song. That I was going to talk for an hour and not have anything to show for it. You know …

Oh no, I’ve said too much. I haven’t said enough.

But by the time I got to the end, I was singing a new tune.

I knew somewhere amid all this distraction, was a little less talk and a lot more action.

Yes, that was an R.E.M. and Toby Keith reference in the same breath. That’s how I do things.

I hope you weren’t playing a drinking game for this episode where you chug every time you hear the word “relationship,” “genuine,” “intentional,” “instrumental,” or “deeply.” You’d be awfully hammered.

But I do want you to take my words that resonated and take action as a result.

This episode was requested and inspired by Erin, Sally, Tohami, and those of you who have noticed the vibrant relationships I’ve developed. I’m extremely grateful for them and wanted to explain why I approach relationships the way I do and how you might be more intentional with creating and cultivating yours.

Here’s a sample of some words about peer development (among the other topics related to relationships):

Don’t wait for someone to wave a white flag, surrender to the world and say ‘please help me.’ Go out and try and help the people who may not even say they need it, but do it anyway because that’s part of who you are.

If that speaks to you, then other segments of this episode will speak to you too.

What You’ll Learn

From why we don’t tell the people we love “I love you” to who my relationship gurus are, you’re in for a treat.

In this episode you’ll learn about:

  • The simplest, most direct path to self-awareness.
  • How to weave your own rich tapestry of friends and allies.
  • Why I intentionally limit my influence to spend time lifting other people up.
  • What being a “multipotentialite” can do when combined with a snowball effect.
  • Why I want to start some conversations with “I love you.”
  • How many of my eighty-one recurring business tasks are relationship related.
  • Why peer development can get you father than self-development.
  • The many ways to put out your “I want to be your friend” sign.
  • Why the time I schedule for relationships is sacred.
  • The surprising way I got invited to contribute to The Huffington Post.
  • What my mom, Keith Ferrazzi, Scott Dinsmore, and my friend Erika have in common.

Resources and Items Mentioned in This Episode Include:


  • [02:24] Why I’m talking about relationships
  • [10:16] The results of some of my spontaneous and intentional relationships
  • [22:07] The how and why of peer development
  • [27:14] Scheduling time to create and grow relationships
  • [36:16] How to put out your “I want to be your friend” sign
  • [44:44] Reader and listener questions about relationships
  • [51:01] My relationship gurus
  • [57:16] Special thanks and final notes

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The transcript will not be available until I find a new transcriptionist (if you know someone good, let me know).

I’m Grateful for Your iTunes Reviews!

If you enjoyed this specific episode or the Smart and Simple Matters show in general, I always appreciate when people go to the iTunes page and leave an honest review. Every single review is a huge help and received with gratitude!

If you want to make me incredibly thankful, like the people who have recently left an iTunes review, here are the four quick steps (assuming iTunes is already installed):

  1. Visit the Smart and Simple Matters iTunes page here:
  2. Click the blue button on the left labeled “View in iTunes” below the cover art of the show
  3. When iTunes loads, scroll down below the “Customer Reviews” section and click the link labeled “Write a Review”
  4. Write a review with whatever title you like, whatever length you have time for, and give the show an honest rating. If you don’t think it deserves five stars, don’t rate it as a five star show.

And if you have someone or something you’d like us to cover on an upcoming show, tell us in the comments below.

8 Responses to SASM 016 – Relationship Mindsets to Cultivate Lifetime Friends and Allies

  1. Matt says:

    Fantastic episode and podcast Joel! I was listening to this show and realized something about myself, I consume content but rarely do I participate, give feedback, or thanks. As someone who has his own website I crave that sort of interaction but wasn’t giving it myself.

    I’d like to change that starting here and now. So thank you Joel for the wake up call and all the work you do here. I really enjoy the podcast, especially the way you challenge listeners to question their own beliefs, habits, and paradigms.



    • Hey Matt,

      Thanks for engaging and showing appreciation. Regardless of how many comments I get overall or on a specific post, it’s still cool each time. We do crave that level of connection though, don’t we? But it’s hard to acknowledge a connection each time we feel one. Especially when you’re in the habit of making connections all the time (like I am).

      I’m happy if I’ve helped you shake up your beliefs and get you to change a simple action here or there. Build on it and build your own snowball effect!

  2. Denise says:

    This was great, Joel. I like the solo podcasts and the unscripted style.

    And you’ve rekindled my enthusiasm for “peer mindset”. Funny thing is, I was reviewing the files I saved from my site and was doing some writing this morning about this very topic of ‘peer development’ and I’d like to *thoughtfully* plan how I would like to re-launch it.

    I do know I want a team of writers running the site rather than just me. If you’re interested, we can get some creative collaboration going. Lmk.

    • Am I interested in contributing to Peer Mindset? Um…yeah! To me, your platform is just as important as other platforms I contribute on (if not more). So once you have your thoughtful plan in place to relaunch it – or want me to help with that plan – I’m open to chat in whatever medium works for you.

  3. Erin says:

    Joel, this was a wonderful episode! Definitely one of my favorites, because of the topic but also because of the unscripted approach. You are so clearly passionate about the topic, and while the show would’ve been shorter with a script, I don’t think your enthusiasm would’ve come across as tangibly. Awesome, awesome.

    Thanks, too, for putting together an episode on the topic of connecting. You’re one of the best at it that I know, so hearing your insights was particularly valuable. And hearing the ways you schedule time for connecting was great for me — I think I just might try something similar.

    • I don’t know that I would have prioritized this episode as high as I did without your push, Erin. You were a big reason why I did this and why I thought it was important to spend a good chunk of time hitting on a number of topics under the huge umbrella of relationships. It’s cool that you and Denise dig the unscripted approach and I hope that feedback keeps rolling in. I certainly enjoyed the unscripted nature of this more than the scripted ones. So unless I get a bunch of people telling me to hustle it up and get to the freakin’ point, I’ll stick with it.

  4. Corinne says:

    Found this podcast yesterday and have really been enjoying listening to it at work (recent college grad in low level internship doing some mindless work and still trying to satisfy feeling productive and learning). I feel really blessed to have found this at this point in my life, as I’m starting my Masters in the fall and am hoping to have a tremendously productive year– personally, professionally, academically. Working towards some lofty lifestyle change goals and this podcast is a great resource, leading to other great resources.
    Giving my time giving you some feedback, which is a great tip. Looking forward to going out and getting my new planner at lunch and really structuring my time. I used to hate the idea of routine, but routine does not equal monotony.

    Also, I’m liking the off script podcast. I’m a yoga teacher and I used to be terrified of not planning my class minute by minute, but it’s much more authentic when I just go for it.

    Thanks for sharing what you know and what you do. I’m looking forward to learning more.

    • Thanks for the insight and the wonderful message, Corinne. It will help others open up and share what they’re working on, where they’re going, and how we all can get some place really groovy together.

      I still have a little ways to go on being completely off-script for my solo episodes. It’s been a goal to just work a rough outline, kind of like speaking in public, for my podcast for three years. I believe it’s further proof that we can get to where we want to be if we slowly chip away and practice. Emphasis on the slowly (and being OK with it). :)

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